In this episode of "Monster in My Closet," hosts Anil Saxena and Morgan Hunter explore the passive-aggressive nature of certain phrases often used in the workplace, focusing on the topic "Witchy Words and Phrases." They discuss the origins, manipulative nature, and impact of phrases like "it goes without saying," and how such phrases can create confusion and resentment. The episode emphasizes the importance of clear and direct communication, particularly in fast-paced work environments and diverse teams. Our hosts share personal anecdotes illustrating the effects of these phrases and offer strategies for promoting a culture of openness and clarity. These show notes include:
My favorite passive aggressive phrase is, "I'll give it the attention it deserves."
Takeaways
Passive-aggressive phrases: Phrases like "it goes without saying" can create confusion and foster resentment in the workplace.
Origins and meaning: Understanding the history and intended meaning of such phrases can reveal their manipulative nature.
Clear communication: Direct and honest communication is crucial to avoid misunderstandings and ensure clarity.
Conflict avoidance: People often use passive-aggressive phrases to avoid conflict or due to a lack of self-confidence.
Impact on neurodiverse teams: Clear communication is especially important for neurodiverse team members who may find ambiguous phrases confusing.
Permission to ask questions: Listeners should feel empowered to ask for clarification when they encounter unclear or passive-aggressive language.
Awareness among leaders: Leaders should be aware of the impact of their language and strive to be as direct and clear as possible.
Cultural context: The meaning of phrases can vary across different cultures and languages, making clarity even more important in diverse teams.
A List of Witchy Words And Phrases
The phrase "it goes without saying" is believed to have French origins, derived from the phrase "cela va sans dire," which translates directly to "that goes without saying." It was used to indicate something that was so obvious it didn’t need to be stated. The phrase entered the English language in the late 18th to early 19th century and has been commonly used in both everyday conversation and professional settings to imply that something is implicitly understood without the need for explicit mention. Here are some others:
"Obviously": This word can lead to miscommunication because what is obvious to one person may not be to another, especially in diverse teams with varying perspectives.
Example: A manager says, "Obviously, everyone will bring their own lunch," but new employees may not be aware of this unwritten rule.
"Needless to say": This phrase implies that the information following it is already known, which can alienate those who are not in the loop.
Example: During a meeting, someone says, "Needless to say, the project deadline is next week," but some team members might have missed the earlier communication about this deadline.
"As you know": This phrase assumes that the listener is already familiar with the information, which can lead to misunderstandings if they are not.
Example: A team lead starts a briefing with, "As you know, we've changed the project scope," but some members may not have received the update.
"It's a given": This suggests that something is so well understood that it doesn't need to be explained, which can cause confusion if not everyone is on the same page.
Example: In a discussion about company culture, someone says, "It's a given that we all follow the same process," but new hires might not be familiar with these processes.
"Of course": Using this phrase can make assumptions about what others should understand or expect.
Example: "Of course, we'll need to finish this by Friday," but if Friday is a public holiday, this may not be practical for everyone.
6 Reasons Why People Use Passive-Aggressive Language
Avoidance of Conflict: Some managers may use passive-aggressive phrases to avoid direct confrontation. They might fear that being direct will lead to uncomfortable conflicts or disputes. Managers who are uncomfortable delivering negative feedback might resort to indirect communication to soften the blow, even though it can create confusion.
Desire for Control: By using phrases like "it goes without saying," managers might attempt to assert authority and control implicitly. These phrases can make it seem like there is no room for discussion or dissent. Some managers might use passive-aggressive language as a way to manipulate team members into compliance without openly asserting power.
Insecurity and Self-Doubt: Insecure managers might use passive-aggressive communication because they lack confidence in their ability to lead effectively. They may believe that indirect language helps them avoid scrutiny. Managers who doubt their own authority might fear being openly challenged. Using passive-aggressive phrases can be a way to sidestep potential challenges.
Poor Communication Skills: Managers may not have received proper training in effective communication. As a result, they might fall back on passive-aggressive language without realizing its negative impact. For some, passive-aggressive communication is a learned behavior, ingrained from past experiences or previous work environments.
Stress and Pressure: In high-pressure environments, managers might default to passive-aggressive communication as a coping mechanism. Stress can impair judgment and lead to less direct forms of communication. Managers experiencing burnout may become more irritable and less patient, leading to passive-aggressive remarks as a way to quickly express frustration without engaging in a deeper conversation.
Lack of Emotional Intelligence: Managers with low emotional intelligence might struggle to understand and manage their own emotions, as well as those of their team members. This can result in indirect and passive-aggressive communication. Without empathy, managers might not fully appreciate how their words affect others, leading to the use of phrases that can be perceived as dismissive or manipulative.
Addressing Passive-Aggressive Communication from a Manager
Ask for Clarification: Politely ask for more details to ensure you understand their expectations. Example: “I want to make sure I’m clear on this. Could you please elaborate on what you mean?”
Paraphrase Their Statements: Repeat what your manager said in your own words to confirm your understanding. Example: “Just to be clear, are you saying we need to work overtime this week to meet the deadline?”
Express Your Perspective: Politely share how their statement affects you or the team. Example: “I find it helpful when instructions are very clear. When I hear ‘it goes without saying,’ I worry I might miss something important.”
Request Specific Instructions: Ask for specific instructions or expectations to avoid ambiguity. Example: “Could you please provide some specific guidelines or examples of what you’re looking for?”
Address the Passive-Aggressive Nature Directly (Tactfully): Recognize the passive-aggressive nature of the comment and redirect it to a constructive conversation. Example: “I noticed you said ‘obviously’ we need to stay late. It would help me and the team if we could discuss our availability and the deadline openly.”
Use “I” Statements to Express Confusion or Discomfort: Use “I” statements to express how the communication style affects you. Example: “I feel a bit confused when phrases like ‘it’s a given’ are used because I might not be aware of all the details.”
Suggest a Follow-Up Conversation: If the situation is complex, suggest having a more detailed conversation later. Example: “This seems important. Can we set aside some time later today to discuss the specifics in more detail?”
Example Scenarios and Responses
Scenario: Manager Says, "Obviously, we need to work late to finish this project." Response: “I want to make sure I understand our priorities. Could you clarify what tasks need to be completed by tonight?”
Scenario: Manager Uses “Needless to Say” in a Directive. Response: “I want to ensure I don’t overlook anything important. Could you explain what specifically needs to be done?”
Scenario: Manager Says, "As you know, we've changed our process." Response: “Actually, I might have missed that update. Could you please walk me through the new process?”
Scenario: Manager Says, "It's a given that everyone knows the protocol." Response: “I’d appreciate a quick review of the protocol to make sure I’m fully up to date. Could we go over it?”
Scenario: Manager Says, "Of course, we all agree on this approach." Response: “I’d like to make sure everyone’s on the same page. Can we take a moment to discuss any concerns or suggestions?”
By addressing the issue on the spot with clarity and respect, you can help foster a more open and direct communication environment while maintaining a positive and professional relationship with your manager.
Suggested Reading: Communication
"Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High" by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler - This book offers practical advice on how to handle difficult conversations and ensure effective communication in high-stakes situations.
"Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall B. Rosenberg - This book introduces a powerful process for expressing needs and resolving conflicts with empathy and honesty.
"Radical Candor: Be a Kick-Ass Boss Without Losing Your Humanity" by Kim Scott - This book emphasizes the importance of direct communication and offers strategies for giving and receiving feedback effectively.
"The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom" by Don Miguel Ruiz - This book provides insights into improving communication and relationships through four simple yet powerful principles.
"Talk Like TED: The 9 Public-Speaking Secrets of the World's Top Minds" by Carmine Gallo - This book can help improve your communication skills, making your speech more compelling and engaging.
"Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts." by Brené Brown - This book explores the importance of vulnerability, empathy, and courage in leadership and effective communication.
"The Power of a Positive No: How to Say No and Still Get to Yes" by William Ury - This book provides strategies for saying no constructively and maintaining positive relationships.
"Emotional Intelligence 2.0" by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves - This book offers strategies for improving emotional intelligence, which is crucial for effective communication and conflict resolution.
Suggested Reading: Word Origins
"The Etymologicon: A Circular Stroll through the Hidden Connections of the English Language" by Mark Forsyth - This book explores the fascinating and often surprising origins of English words and phrases, revealing the hidden stories behind them.
"Word Origins and How We Know Them: Etymology for Everyone" by Anatoly Liberman - This book provides an accessible introduction to etymology, explaining how words are traced back to their origins.
"The Oxford Dictionary of English Etymology" by C.T. Onions - This comprehensive reference book is an authoritative guide to the etymology of English words, providing detailed histories and origins.
"Word Histories and Mysteries: From Abracadabra to Zeus" by Editors of the American Heritage Dictionaries - This book delves into the intriguing histories of over 500 words and phrases, exploring their origins and how their meanings have evolved over time.
"An Alphabetical Guide to the Origins of Metaphors in 100 Commonly Used Words" by Simon Kewin - This book explores the metaphorical origins of commonly used words, providing insights into how our language is shaped by metaphors.
"Origins of the Specious: Myths and Misconceptions of the English Language" by Patricia T. O'Conner and Stewart Kellerman - This book debunks common myths about the English language and explores the true origins of many words and phrases.
"The Secret Life of Words: How English Became English" by Henry Hitchings - This book traces the evolution of the English language, examining how words have changed in meaning and usage over time.
"The Dictionary of Clichés: A Word Lover's Guide to 4,000 Overused Phrases and Almost-Pleasing Platitudes" by Christine Ammer - This book provides the origins and meanings of thousands of clichés and commonly used phrases, exploring how they came to be part of our language.
Suggested Reading: Workplace Euphemisms
"Corporate Confidential: 50 Secrets Your Company Doesn't Want You to Know---and What to Do About Them" by Cynthia Shapiro - This book provides a humorous yet revealing look at the euphemisms and hidden meanings behind corporate speak.
"Office Space: The Movie Scriptbook" by Mike Judge - This book contains the full script of the cult classic film "Office Space," which humorously highlights the absurdity of corporate jargon and office culture.
"The Cubicle Survival Guide: Keeping Your Cool in the Least Hospitable Environment on Earth" by James F. Thompson - This humorous guide provides tips and tricks for surviving office life, including how to navigate the often ridiculous euphemisms and jargon of corporate culture.
"The Best of Business Speak: Using Euphemisms for Fun and Profit" by David Olive - This book takes a humorous approach to decoding the euphemisms commonly used in the business world.
Wrap up
In conclusion, understanding and addressing passive-aggressive phrases in the workplace is crucial for fostering a healthy and productive work environment. By recognizing the manipulative nature of such language and striving for clear, direct communication, leaders can prevent misunderstandings and promote a culture of transparency and openness. Embracing these practices not only benefits neurodiverse team members but also enhances overall team dynamics and organizational behavior. Ultimately, prioritizing effective communication and clarity in the workplace can lead to better outcomes, stronger relationships, and a more inclusive and supportive work culture.
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