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Writer's pictureMorgan Hunter

Curse of conflict avoidance

In this episode of "Monster in My Closet," Anil Saxena and Morgan explore the fear of confrontation and its significant impact on both business and personal relationships. Avoiding difficult conversations can lead to poor outcomes, making it essential to understand the psychology behind conflict avoidance. In this episode, we explore techniques for initiating and navigating through tough conversation, and the critical role emotional intelligence plays in managing workplace conflicts. Read on to discover their key takeaways and learn how to set yourself and your company up for long-term success. These show notes include:



Takeaways 

  1. Psychology of Conflict Avoidance: Understanding why people fear confrontation is crucial. 

  2. Importance of Challenging Conversations: Necessary for business growth and risk management. 

  3. Role of Leaders: Leaders must set the tone for open communication. 

  4. Emotional Intelligence: Key to handling conflicts effectively. 

  5. Preparation for Difficult Conversations: Essential for both the initiator and the listener. 

  6. Normalization of Feedback: Regularly discussing what is and isn't working helps reduce the emotional charge of conflicts. 

  7. Common Language: Having a shared vocabulary around conflict can facilitate better communication. 

  8. Cultural Differences: Acknowledge and adapt to cultural variations in conflict handling. 

 

Fast Facts about Conflict Avoidance 

  1. Psychological Basis: Conflict avoidance often stems from a fear of rejection, loss of approval, or fear of confrontation. Individuals who prefer to avoid conflict may have experienced negative outcomes from previous confrontations, leading them to seek harmony over potential discord.  

  2. Short-term Relief vs. Long-term Consequences: Avoiding conflict can provide immediate relief from the discomfort of disagreement, but it often leads to long-term problems. Issues may remain unresolved, potentially growing in severity over time. This can lead to increased stress and strain on relationships or organizational efficiency.  

  3. Impact on Relationships: In personal and professional relationships, conflict avoidance can lead to a lack of depth and authenticity. By not addressing disagreements or concerns, individuals can miss opportunities for growth and understanding. This can ultimately weaken the bond between parties involved.  

  4. Organizational Dynamics: In a workplace setting, conflict avoidance can significantly impact team dynamics and productivity. It can lead to poor decision-making, as important issues are not fully discussed or debated. This may also stifle innovation and creativity, as team members may be reluctant to voice novel ideas or opinions that could be perceived as contentious.  

  5. Cultural Influences: Attitudes towards conflict and conflict avoidance can vary widely across cultures. In some cultures, direct confrontation is seen as disrespectful, while in others, open disagreement is valued as a form of honesty and engagement. Understanding these cultural nuances is crucial for effective communication and collaboration in multicultural settings.  

  6. Types of Conflict Avoidance: There are several strategies people use to avoid conflict, including denial (pretending a problem doesn't exist), suppression (acknowledging a problem internally but not expressing it), and physical avoidance (staying away from people or situations where conflict might arise).  

  7. Adaptive vs. Maladaptive: Conflict avoidance is not inherently negative. In situations where conflict would lead to no constructive outcome or in cases where the emotional cost of confrontation outweighs potential benefits, avoiding conflict can be a rational choice. However, when avoidance is used as a blanket strategy for dealing with all disagreements, it becomes maladaptive and can hinder personal and professional growth.  

  8. Communication Skills: Effective communication skills are key to managing and overcoming the need for conflict avoidance. Active listening, assertiveness training, and learning to express needs and concerns respectfully and clearly can help individuals engage in constructive conflict, leading to healthier relationships and outcomes.  

 

How Conflict Avoidance Impacts Start-ups and Founders 

  1. Impact on Decision Making: Conflict avoidance among co-founders can lead to suboptimal decision-making. When crucial disagreements about the direction of the startup are not openly discussed and resolved, it can result in decisions that are compromises rather than strategic choices. This can slow down the startup's ability to adapt and innovate, impacting its competitive edge and market position.  

  2. Effect on Organizational Culture: The relationship between co-founders sets the tone for the entire organization's culture. Conflict avoidance at the top can trickle down, leading to a culture where issues are not addressed promptly, creativity is stifled, and employee engagement suffers. Such an environment can decrease overall productivity and increase turnover, which are critical factors in a startup's success.  

  3. Influence on Investor Confidence: Investors are not just investing in an idea or a product but in the team behind the startup. Visible signs of conflict avoidance and lack of cohesive leadership can deter potential investors or lead to decreased confidence among current investors. This can affect fundraising efforts and the financial health of the business.  

  4. Long-term Sustainability: Startups are inherently risky and face high failure rates. Effective conflict resolution skills among co-founders can be a significant factor in navigating these risks successfully. Conflict avoidance, on the other hand, may lead to unresolved issues that escalate over time, potentially jeopardizing the long-term sustainability of the business.  

  5. Strategies for Managing Conflict: Research and expert advice often highlight the importance of establishing clear communication channels, roles, and responsibilities among co-founders from the outset. Engaging in regular, structured discussions about the business, including areas of disagreement, can help mitigate the tendency towards conflict avoidance. Additionally, seeking external mediation or advisory services can provide an impartial perspective to help resolve conflicts constructively.  

 

Emotional Intelligence Overview 

Emotional intelligence (EI) is the ability to recognize, understand, manage, and influence one's own emotions and the emotions of others. It involves a set of skills that help individuals navigate social complexities, make better decisions, and maintain effective interpersonal relationships. Here are the key components of emotional intelligence: 


  1. Self-Awareness: The ability to recognize and understand one's own emotions, strengths, weaknesses, values, and motivations. It involves being aware of how your emotions affect your thoughts and behavior. 

  2. Self-Management: The ability to control or redirect disruptive emotions and impulses and adapt to changing circumstances. This includes skills such as self-control, adaptability, and resilience. 

  3. Social Awareness: The ability to understand the emotions, needs, and concerns of other people, pick up on emotional cues, feel comfortable socially, and recognize the power dynamics in a group or organization. This includes empathy and organizational awareness. 

  4. Relationship Management: The ability to develop and maintain good relationships, communicate clearly, inspire and influence others, work well in a team, and manage conflict. This includes skills such as teamwork, conflict management, and leadership. 


Daniel Goleman popularized the concept of emotional intelligence in his 1995 book, "Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ," and identified these key components. Emotional intelligence is considered crucial for effective leadership, collaboration, and overall success in both personal and professional life. 

 

Suggested Reading on Overcoming Conflict Avoidance  

  1. "The Dance of Fear: Rising Above Anxiety, Fear, and Shame to Be Your Best and Bravest Self" by Harriet Lerner - This book covers the fear, shame, and anxiety that often underlie conflict avoidance. Lerner provides insights and strategies for overcoming these emotional barriers to engage more openly and authentically in relationships.  

  2. "Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High" by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler - A practical guide for navigating high-stakes conversations, this book offers techniques for speaking up when it's easiest to avoid conflict. It's particularly useful for workplace settings or any scenario where crucial issues need to be addressed.  

  3. "Conflict Resolution for Holy Beings: Poems" by Joy Harjo - While not a traditional text on conflict avoidance, this collection of poems offers profound insights into the nature of conflict, peace, and resolution from the perspective of the U.S. Poet Laureate and a member of the Muscogee Creek Nation. It's a reflective exploration of how we relate to conflict and peace in our lives.  

  4. "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" by Marshall B. Rosenberg - This book introduces Nonviolent Communication (NVC), a method for expressing yourself honestly and clearly, receiving messages from others without judgment, and resolving conflicts. It's an essential resource for anyone looking to navigate conflicts more effectively.  

  5. "Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most" by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen - A guide from the Harvard Negotiation Project, this book provides insights into the underlying complexities of difficult conversations and offers strategies for approaching them in a way that minimizes conflict and strengthens relationships.  

  6. "The Coward's Guide to Conflict: Empowering Solutions for Those Who Would Rather Run Than Fight" by Tim Ursiny - Specifically addressing conflict avoidance, this book offers a humorous but insightful look into why people avoid conflict and how they can adopt more courageous and constructive approaches.  

  7. "The Dynamics of Conflict: A Guide to Engagement and Intervention" by Bernard Mayer - For a more in-depth academic look, this book explores the underlying dynamics of conflict and offers frameworks for understanding and intervening in conflict situations. It's suited for professionals working in conflict resolution but is accessible to anyone interested in the subject.  


Wrap-up

The fear of confrontation can significantly impact both personal and professional relationships, but understanding and addressing this fear is crucial for growth and success. By developing emotional intelligence, leaders and team members can navigate difficult conversations with empathy and effectiveness. Creating a culture that normalizes open communication and feedback can lead to better outcomes and a more positive work environment. As we embrace these strategies, we not only improve our business practices but also foster stronger, more resilient relationships. Remember, confronting challenges head-on with the right mindset can transform potential conflicts into opportunities for growth and innovation. 

 

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